Osmond Blackadder's Temporal Christmas Misadventure
by Samhainix
Summary: Royal dogsbody Sir Osmond Darling-Blackadder (Fourth cousin twice removed of the current King Edmond) is about to discover the secret of the Royal lineage, will E-Mas be forever ruined, will a cunning plan be formed (Takes place 12 years after Blackadder: Back and Forth)


INT. THE OFFICE OF SIR OSMOND DARLING-BLACKADDER

**25th December 2012**

The Office of Sir Osmond Darling-Blackadder is a gray and dull little place, the old wooden desk stained with many tea circles has a small plastic green tree placed upon it and sitting at his desk is the guardian of Buckingham palace's toilet facilities - Sir Osmond himself

Osmond takes a chicken leg out of a small plastic container and looks down at the small television set resting on a set of encyclopedia Britannicas - On the television screen the BBC One logo pops up

BBC VOICEOVER:

And now it's over to 10 Downing Street to hear once again from our esteemed Prime Minster

The logo fades and is soon replaced by a horrible little man in a suit a size and a half too small for him - he has no hair and very false looking teeth - His name appears at the bottom of the screen - S. Baldrick

S. BALDRICK:

Ello... well it is

Baldrick squints to try and read what is written in front of him

S. BALDRICK:

It is... a very good day for a E-Mas celebration... I think we should (what does that say) I think we should all be grateful to our beloved King Edmond and re... recall once again what happened on the first E-Mas

Some yellow text replaces the confused face of Baldrick - "Before E-Mas" The text reads "There was a terrible festive season called Yuletide"

On screen the text fades away to a scene set in 1588 - Queen Elizabeth I is sitting at a table with her trusted nurse - Nursie they are both gorging themselves on what appears to be two human legs

QUEENIE:

I think Lord Melchett tastes absolutely scrumptious, don't you agree nurseie

NURSIE:

Oh absolutely my pet after all those legs got quite a lot of exercise in the last few hours of Lord Beard Breaths life

QUEENIE:

Just before Lord Edmond cut him down... ah Lord Edmond what a stallion of a man

NURSEIE:

You should marry him my sweet

QUEENIE:

Maybe one day Nursie, maybe one day

The doors to the dining room abruptly swing open and in strides the confident (And not at all smarmy) figure of Lord Edmond Blackadder

LORD EDMOND:

My lady

QUEENIE:

Lord Edmond!

LORD EDMOND:

I received a visitor at my door

QUEENIE:

Who was it?

LORD EDMOND:

It was a prophet from the gods themselves, a young boy called Tiny Tim

QUEENIE:

And what did he say

LORD EDMOND:

He said that you and I should be married immediately and that our descendants should rule Britain forever

QUEENIE:

Fantastic, we must get to work on that immediately

LORD EDMOND:

Yes, Yes... oh he also said to stop eating people, Yuletide is unholy and to replace the entire holiday with something called E-Mas where everyone in England worships an idol of me and eats poultry instead

Osmond looks over at a small statue of King Edmond sitting on his table and then takes a small bite out of his chicken leg

QUEENIE:

Oh Edmond you're so wonderful and sexy, I Queen Elisabeth the First accept you as a husband and the ruler of the entire kingdom

The image of Elisabeth I and her new husband fades back to the image of S. Baldrick

S. BALDRICK:

Well that was lovely and I have been told to wish you all a very Happy E-Mas by King Edmond and his new wife Queen Scarlett Johansson

Baldrick is given a glass of wine, which he raises to the camera

S. BALDRICK:

To the King

Osmond raises his chicken leg

OSMOND:

The King

Baldrick chucks the wine over his shoulder just before the video cuts out and is replaced with the BBC One logo again

A knock rattles the unsteady door of Osmond's office - Osmond quickly jumps up and puts his chicken leg back into its plastic box

OSMOND:

Ah, Ah Come in

The door opens revealing the worn and ugly face of a bald man in his mid thirties - His name is F. Baldrick

F. BALDRICK:

Blackadder if I've told you once I've told you a fifillion times, unblock the loo on the second floor east side

OSMOND:

Oh so sorry sir... I should really do that every morning, so sorry it must've slipped my mind

F. BALDRICK:

Just don't let it happen again, just because you're the King's what was it?

OSMOND:

Fourth cousin twice removed sir

F. BALDRICK:

Yeah well, get to it then mister

OSMOND:

Ahem Sir

F. BALDRICK:

What?

OSMOND:

Never mind

Osmond grabs a plunger and bucket from beside his desk and walks past Baldrick, giving Baldrick a slight nod before exiting the room

INT. THE ROYAL DINING ROOM

Sometime later - King Edmond is sitting at one end of the table while his new wife Scarlett Johansson sits at the other - In between sit Archbishop Flavius Melchett, Sir Gerry "Bombardier" Flashheart III and Prime Minster S. Baldrick - They are all feasting on a luxurious arrangement of cooked birds, roast potatoes and stuffing while washing it all down with some of the finest French wines

EDMOND:

Times like this I almost miss that buffoon George... what did I do with him again

MELCHETT:

You had him executed with a large shiny spike, your highness

EDMOND:

I know, I just like hearing you remind me about it

The doors suddenly burst open and in falls Osmond with his bucket and plunger - he looks up at the shocked faces glaring at him and attempts to get to his feet - spilling some of the "water" in the bucket out onto the white tiled floor

OSMOND:

OH GOD!... I've ah... lost my way... I am so sorry your Majesty... Majesty?

EDMOND:

Get up you... you look familiar

OSMOND:

Yes, yes I'm your cousin Osmond

EDMOND:

Osmond, Osmond... no I don't remember that name... Bombardier you got a gun

BOMBARDIER:

Of course your Madge

Flashheart takes a gun from his coat pocket

EDMOND:

Shoot this oik for trying to ruin my E-Mas

BOMBARDIER:

Yes sir

Osmond quickly ducks as the gun goes off - hitting the oak doors - Osmond runs quickly out of the room

INT. HALLWAY IN BUCKINGHAM PALACE

Osmond runs down one of the hallways in Buckingham Palace - A number of gunshots ring out through the building

BOMBARDIER: (SHOUTING)

Come back here at once, Frenchie

INT. STAIRCASE

Osmond runs down a staircase - the sound of bullets seems further away but he doesn't risk turning back

INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE - MAIN FOYER

In the main foyer of Buckingham Palace - F. Baldrick is coming out of a room that leads down into the depths of the palace - he is about to lock the door when the sound of a madman crying out a fatal war cry is heard

Osmond runs into the foyer and sees Baldrick - he runs over to him

F. BALDRICK:

What are you doing?

OSMOND:

I'm about to be killed by a maniac with a giant mustache!

Osmond opens the door Baldrick is standing next to and runs down the old blackened steps down into the heart of Buckingham Palace

INT. HALLWAY UNDER BUCKINGHAM PALACE

Osmond is still running, Baldrick is trying to catch up to him

F. BALDRICK:

You aren't supposed to be down here

BOMBARDIER: (SHOUTING)

Here Frenchie Frenchie

Osmond gets to the end of the corridor and throws open a pair of old wooden double doors, he runs inside - followed by Baldrick

INT. THE ROOM

Osmond closes the two doors and slides a plank of wood in between them

OSMOND:

I think that'll keep him out, sir

Osmond turns around to see Baldrick standing rather protectively in front of a giant wooden box with a clock face on it

Osmond stares at the box for a few seconds then looks over at Baldrick - then back to the box - then over at Baldrick - then the back to the box - almost piecing together parts of a puzzle

OSMOND:

THAT BASTARD!... he used a time machine didn't he

F. BALDRICK:

I... don't know what you mean

OSMOND:

... And your father helped him

Baldrick looks uncomfortably from left to right not quite looking at Osmond

OSMOND:

Baldrick

F. BALDRICK:

That's Mr. Baldrick to you

OSMOND:

Listen here you little bimp, A mad man with a gun is trying to kill me and because you chose to come down here with me I'm guessing he'll have no qualms with dispatching you fairly quickly... now is that thing what I think it is

F. BALDRICK:

... Yes

OSMOND:

And do you know how to work it

F. BALDRICK:

... Yes

OSMOND:

Then let's go you twonk

Baldrick reluctantly walks around to the side of the box and pulls the wooden door down

BOMBIDIER: (SHOUTING)

I WILL FIND YOU, MY PRETTY LITTLE FRENCHIE!

Baldrick runs into the time machine, quickly followed by Osmond

INT. TIME MACHINE

The inside of the time machine is furnished with a nice Edwardian style carpet and even a comfy red chair - One wall of the box has a machine with levers and buttons attached to it

Outside of the time machine gun shots can be heard

BOMBARDIER: (SHOUTING)

Found you!

OSMOND:

Get us out of here!

Baldrick turns some dials, pulls a lever and presses a button - the entire box shakes and then finally settles down

OSMOND:

Are we out of there?

F. BALDRICK:

Yeah we're somewhere new now

OSMOND:

Good... now what happened to time?

F. BALDRICK:

I don't know what you

OSMOND:

Oh shut up, my bastard of a fourth cousin twice removed travelled back in time and fixed things for him to be King didn't he

F. BALDRICK:

Yeah

OSMOND:

There was no Tiny Tim just Edmond's temporal bollocks

F. BALDRICK:

Yeah

OSMOND:

Meaning that whatever my life was like before Edmond pissed on time was wiped out... I could have been a popstar or a captain like my grandfather instead of being caretaker of a bunch of loos that are overflowed by a bunch of degenerate bastards... I could've been somebody

F. BALDRICK:

I often think about it myself

OSMOND:

Really?

F. BALDRICK:

Yeah if my dad had went about as he should of and not made this time machine for King Edmond, I could've been... a turnip farmer

OSMOND:

Not exactly my point but... good enough... but don't you see we can put it right, we can go back in time and fix it so Edmond doesn't succeed

F. BALDRICK:

I can be a turnip farmer?

OSMOND:

And I can be somebody

F. BALDRICK:

... Alright then but one thing, Osmond

OSMOND:

What?

F. BALDRICK:

We're already back in time

OSMOND:

Really how far

F. BALDRICK:

I don't know... most of this technology hasn't been used in years

OSMOND:

Only one way to find out

Baldrick lowers the door of the time machine - revealing the exterior of a castle covered in snow

OSMOND:

I wonder when we are

Osmond wanders out of the time machine followed sheepishly by Baldrick

EXT. THE CASTLE

Baldrick raises the door of the time machine - closing it

Osmond wanders up to a little girl who is playing with a wooden horse that has been painted pink

OSMOND:

Excuse me little girl but... what year is it

The little girl looks up and is instantly confused

PRINCESS LEIA:

Edmond? You look old

OSMOND:

Edmond? no no my name is Osmond

KING RICHARD IV: (SHOUTING)

Princess are you out here?

King Richard IV walks out of the castle with Baldrick Son Of Robin the dung gatherer and Lord Percy Percy behind him - The King walks up to Leia without paying a bit of attention to Osmond

KING RICHARD IV:

I wanted to give my favorite little daughter in law a Christmas present

The King turns to Percy who hands him a jar of honey that he quickly gives to the princess

PRINCESS LEIA:

My favorite!

KING RICHARD IV:

Ah that's nice, hello Edward

Richard IV takes a brief look at Osmond before realizing something is wrong, he looks again at Osmond's face

Richard IV's mouth falls slightly open

RICHARD IV:

BASTARD!

Percy:

You look just like our friend Edmond

Osmond takes a few steps back from Richard IV

RICHARD IV:

BASTARDS ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!

Richard IV draws his sword just as the slimy and quite youthful Prince Edmond exits the castle - he is holding in his hands what appears to be a storybook

Edmond sees his father and his allies standing around Osmond and Leia

EDMOND:

Father? What's going on

Richard IV turns to Edmond

RICHARD IV:

YOUR BASTARD! has turned up, Edger

EDMOND:

My bastard?

Edmond looks at Osmond and the two exchange puzzled looks

EDMOND:

But this man is much older than... I mean yes! he must be my mmy bastard and therefore, ssshould be executed immediately

Osmond starts running toward the time machine, Baldrick pulls the door back down

RICHARD IV:

He even has your girly run, Emmett!

F. Baldrick glances over at his own ancestor for a second before quickly entering the time machine - Osmond rushes into the time machine and the door raises behind him

RICHARD IV:

COME OUT YOU BASTARD!

The box suddenly fades out of existence - leaving King Richard IV shocked and stunned

Percy looks over at Baldrick

PERCY:

That other one looked a bit like you, Balders

INT. THE PRINCE OF WALES DINING ROOM

**CHRISTMAS DAY 1789**

Prince George is sitting at the table eating Christmas dinner with two young French women

PRINCE GEORGE:

So it turned out that they were in fact assassins trying to kill me

FRENCH WOMAN:

What did you do?

PRINCE GEORGE:

Well, I... ah... whipped them into place and... ah then called the police

FRENCH WOMAN:

So brave

FRENCH WOMAN 02:

So very brave

The time machine fades into existence in the dining room

PRINCE GEORGE:

What the bloody hell is that

The door to the time machine falls open

OSMOND:

You shouldn't have pressed that button so hard I don't think it's working now

Osmond walks out of the time machine and sees the Prince and the two ladies

PRINCE GEORGE:

Blackadder!, what are you doing here... I told you I need sometime alone

OSMOND:

Blackadder? Edmund Blackadder

PRINCE GEORGE:

That is your name... stupid mister stupey

OSMOND:

... So it is

Osmond walks over to the prince takes a takes a piece of Turkey from his plate - eats a bit and then throws it at him, Then takes the Prince's glass of wine and throws it over one of the young French women

Baldrick pops his head out of the time machine for a moment

F. BALDRICK:

Uh oh

FRENCH WOMAN:

Why do you do this to us on Christmas Day?

OSMOND:

What's Christmas?

PRINCE GEORGE:

More to the point!

OSMOND:

Oh shut up you stupid looking git and take it up with "me" when I get back

Osmond runs back into the time machine

OSMOND:

Now Baldrick!

The door to the time machine ascends and a moment later it starts to fade from reality

INT. TIME MACHINE

Inside the time machine - Osmond is sitting on the red comfy chair

OSMOND:

Ah well that was fun... but we really should get to stopping Edmund from becoming King

F. BALDRICK:

But when do we go

OSMOND:

... 1588 the year of the first E-Mas... Also the year Queen Elisabeth let Edmond become her husband and King

Baldrick twists a few dials

OSMOND:

Do you know what you're doing?

F. BALDRICK:

Yeah, Yeah my father taught me how to do this

Baldrick pulls a lever, then brings the lever back up again and pulls it a second time

INT. THRONE ROOM

Lord Melchett is sitting sombrely in the throne room - he has a tin cup of grog in his hand, he looks down at Lord Percy who is sleeping with a knitted teddy bear in his hands

The time machine fades into existence just beside the throne - the door lowers and hits up against the throne - the door cannot lower properly

OSMOND:

Damn you Baldrick!

The door raises up again and the time machine vanishes from existence once more - leaving Melchett very confused

The time machine fades back into the room - this time on the other side of the throne - with its door facing the other direction

The door lowers and Osmond hesitantly walks out - he's quite surprised when he spots Melchett, who meets his gaze and returns said surprise

Baldrick walks out of the time machine

F. BALDRICK:

Are we here then... E-mas Day 1588

Baldrick looks over at Melchett

F. BALDRICK:

Wait a tick, I know you

OSMOND:

Lord Melchett but weren't you killed by King Edmond

MELCHETT: (NERVOUSLY)

Kking Edmondd NO!, I mean no your majesty you didn't kill me

OSMOND:

Yet

Melchett squeals like a girl before taking a closer look at Osmond

MELCHETT:

Wait a moment, you aren't Blackadder

OSMOND:

Ah that's where you're wrong, I am a Blackadder... just not the one you know

MELCHETT:

What do you want?

OSMOND:

Right now? I just want to kill King Edmond

MELCHETT:

Well why didn't you say so then

Melchett takes a crossbow from under the throne and gives it to Osmond

MELCHETT:

Think you can sneek past the guards?

OSMOND:

I have the King's face... what do you think

Osmond walks over Percy and the over to the double doors - he opens them - revealing two guards with speary looking weapons

The Guards exchange confused looks at each other

GUARD 1:

Your Majesty?

OSMOND:

Stand aside you cretin, I want to hunt some peasants

Osmond raises his crossbow and the two guards move out of his way, Osmond walks down the hall as Baldrick follows behind him

One Guard looks at the other

GUARD 2:

Does the King seem older to you, than he was yesterday

GUARD 1:

Marrige isn't it, sure old John Joe got married last month, I saw him last week and the poor lad looked like a corpse

GUARD 2:

... He was a corpse... he was executed for treason

GUARD 1:

Oh

INT. QUEEN ELISIBETH'S ROYAL CHAMBERS

The royal chambers of Queen Elisabeth I is a mess with discarded clothes lying everywhere, the curtains on the bed are closed and not a sound can be heard

The door to the room is kicked open by Osmond who walks in, crossbow ready - he walks slowly over to the bed, Baldrick follows behind

QUEENIE:

Edmond?

EDMOND:

Uh huh

Osmond opens the curtains to the bed and aims his crossbow

EDMOND:

Uh oh

OSMOND:

Gottcha

Osmond fires!

OSMOND:

I did it, I finally did it... I killed the King

F. BALDRICK:

Ah Blackadder

Osmond turns to Baldrick - who is starting to disappear - fading away feet first but spreading upward to the rest of his body

OSMOND:

Of course! Because King Edmond died here today, the future we come from doesn't exist any...

Osmond looks at his own arms - they're starting to disappear

OSMOND:

Anymore...

F. BALDRICK:

So we'll wake up in the new present then... the proper one

OSMOND:

I could be a rock star or a trophy husband to a hot bit of totty from a crap girl band

F. BALDRICK:

I could be a turnip farmer, I'd like that... lovely little turnips...

Baldrick completely disappears and Osmond stands alone for a few seconds wondering if this was the right thing to do before he himself disappears leaving the room more or less empty

QUEENIE:

Eh Hello... is anybody there

INT. THE OFFICE OF SIR OSMOND DARLING-BLACKADDER

**25th December 2012**

The Office of Sir Osmond Darling-Blackadder is a gray and dull little place, the old wooden desk stained with many tea circles has a small plastic Christmas tree placed upon it and sitting at his desk is the keeper of Her Majesty's lawn sprinklers - Sir Osmond himself

Sir Osmond takes a turkey sandwich out of its packaging and looks over at a small television set placed on top of two Twilight novels - on the television screen the BBC One logo pops up

BBC VOICEOVER:

And now it's over to Her Majesty the Queen, with her Christmas message to the nation

OSMOND:

Oh bugger off

Osmond grabs the remote control from his desk and changes the channel to Five - The Great Escape is on

Osmond grabs a flask from his desk and pours out some hot tea into its steel cup - The door suddenly swings open making Osmond spill the tea over himself - Standing at the door is F. Baldrick

F. BALDRICK:

Mr B, Oh Mr B, It's so funny

OSMOND:

What's so funny you ignorant git

Osmond tries drying the tea up with some paperwork on his desk

F. BALDRICK:

Prince Harry was sick all over Kate Middleton

OSMOND:

What!

F. BALDRICK:

I know, Kate was asking him about his Christmas plans and he chucked up all around her sir

Osmond chuckles

OSMOND:

You know Balders hearing that makes me feel just a little better about today

F. BALDRICK:

Do you not like Christmas Sir?

OSMOND:

... Oh sod off Balders

F. BALDRICK:

No sir, my name's not Sod off it's Fu

OSMOND:

Yes, yes just go away will you

Baldrick exits the room as Osmond fills up his cup with tea again

ZARA:

What's the little troll so happy about

OSMOND:

Hmm

Edmond turns to see Zara Phillips standing in the doorway

OSMOND:

Oh just a heir to the throne vomiting on a peasant

ZARA:

Ah you heard about that

OSMOND:

I thought it was quite funny

ZARA:

I was there it was very funny... what's wrong

OSMOND:

... Oh it's just around this time of the year my dear, I feel a little down

ZARA:

Why

OSMOND:

I see my life floating by like a pair of Baldrick's underpants down one of the privies - one year older another year wasted

ZARA:

Ah but have they been wasted

Zara walks into Osmond's office, closing the door behind her

ZARA:

Or have they been bided

Zara sits down on a chair opposite to Osmond

ZARA:

After all we still have our plan

OSMOND:

Hopefully this one will work and I won't be made to do another terrible advertisement at her Majesty's "request" as punishment

ZARA:

Nice Fat boy Slim reference by the way

OSMOND:

Hmm

ZARA:

Of course it'll work... and this time next year, King Osmond and Queen Zara will take the throne... and the country

OSMOND:

The monarchy and the government now that sounds like a plan

Osmond locks hands with Zara and the future is uncertain as outside it begins to snow.


End file.
